Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
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ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers