I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
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If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
wtf management?!
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I’d hang this in my house.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?