Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
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Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Mhm.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.