what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
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Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.