All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
You Might Also Like
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.