I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
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Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
This week’s mood.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.