Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
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Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
for all #parents out there
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
japanese corn
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.