I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*