Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
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i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.