Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
You Might Also Like
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.