A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
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Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Always
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.