Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
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Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
When someone says you are so lazy
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?