I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
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Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
The Weeknd is back
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
What
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I’m having an out of money experience.