“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
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I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
happy mother’s day❤️
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”