*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
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[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
New comic up. “Ransom”
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?