ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
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Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.