*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
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*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.