I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
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“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Otters drive ottermobiles.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Found my door mat
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?