Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
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My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
hey, alexa