Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
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There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
yea so i messed up lol
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent