Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
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The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.