Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
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*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?