Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
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[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.