You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
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Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Don’t frighten the programmers!
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
The Punning Dead.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.