The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
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[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
What if all the cashiers are married?
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.