You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
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5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.