Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
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FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>