That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
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Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Cannot stop laughing at this
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.