How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
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11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…