Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
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[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Something Saturday.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.