Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
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As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
“We will wed,” I threatened
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I can’t deal with men any longer
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
dutch so unserious
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”