Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
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Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
My new favorite headline
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.