My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
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Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
If looks could kill
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean