When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
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Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.