Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
You Might Also Like
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
My wife has the worst taste in men.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No