Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
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[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.