Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
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I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.