I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
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I feel this so hard
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.