“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
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From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
sensitive skin
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals