My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
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“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
I think the cat got the dog high.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized