There is no “we” in pizza
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At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
How can I say no to this ?
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.