15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
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“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.