According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
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My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’