Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
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I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Chemical wingman
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.