Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
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finally found a reasonable question
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.