Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
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Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.