house sitting!
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Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
It’s a gift
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.