H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
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HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
*ernest hemingway voice*
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT