Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
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When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I cannot call her anything else now
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..