*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
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Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
(2022)
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.